Devil May Cry 3 Abridged
by naurteeoxssaskkuereoeluvver
Summary: Boredness, satire. Woo. Meant to be funny. Kinda crack fic. Well, enjoy.


I do it for the lolz

I don't own Devil May Cry. Not meant to offend, just boredness.

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**Devil May Cry 3**

**Abridged**

Two men are fighting rain is everywhere. Writer thinks it is Final Fantasy VIII for a moment. Female talks, fighting cooler. Brothers fight, one looses, winner slicks hair back. Oh yeah… Writer wonders how it stays spiked in rain. Crazy foreshadowing already.

Real start with young Dante in newly opened place, demons show up and ruin the party. Pizza is killed it is a sad day for pizza fans. All demons are destroyed more outside. Shirtless Dante steps outside and shows off his stuff by killing hordes of demons. Writer and fan girls fangasm over sexy sight. Tower erected in middle of city, asshole knows it is Vergil. Vergil senses tingle? Mention of Vergil's name inspires millions of crying Vergil/Dante fics.

After countless battles, Dante gets inside of tower. Ground floor meets Cerberus. A surprisingly easy boss fight ensues. After Beating the pissed, chained three-headed dog. Cerberus turns into a weapon… CERBERUS! Writer thinks creators had a brain fart. Shirtless Dante does kick ass moves with useless weapon, and then meets L-.. No name at the moment. Millions of fics about the two are born and flood the internet. Girl on bike, shoots demon(Dante), looses small and not really epic fight. She gets pissed, leaves on motorcycle and jumps through ceiling. Writer wonders how human can do that.

Entering the tower the writer cries at the size of the damned thing and all the puzzles we have to go through. The hunter starts his adventure, running through doors and eventually finds himself facing a giant flying CENTIPEDE. An annoying fight with the mini boss ensues. After numerous attempts at trying to hit its underside, he decides to jump up on its back and hack away there. After hacking away, the creature finally dies.

Going to get the first useful item of the game, our favorite hunter is confronted with the Jester. Writer was very disturbed and scared, but pressed on. After listening, Dante acts like an asshole and shoots at the guy. Players everywhere rejoice and hope he never sees him again. Needing to use the useful item, he runs through the tower and grabs a bunch of items before gaining the ability to walk on air.

After his air adventure, he eventually comes to next guardian. They talk a lot. Both headless warriors go after hunter and are beaten at the same time. If not, life gets harder. Writer would know this. Once again, a transformation happens and Dante is given the blades Agni and Rudra. The twin blades talk and the hunter does the same routine by showing off blade before slamming them so they shut up. God smiles upon players and writer when they shut up.

Moving on the hunter goes through more trials and crazy puzzles. One is left to wonder why ancient people tried so hard. After obtaining a new shiny gun Artemis, he goes up a little farther and runs into Vergil finally. The evil twin brother cliché takes place and then the foreshadowed fight from the beginning takes place. After valiantly fighting and loosing, Dante looses and is almost killed. Stabbed through with Rebellion he finally TRANSFORMS! Writer and fans everywhere fangasm at the sight.

After some talking about this and that, the newly awakened half demon hunter plays around, jumping off a roof. There is a collective gasp of surprise. Playing around, the guy doesn't pay attention and is… You guessed it eaten. Eaten by a huge flying, demonic whale. The writer wants to ask Capcom why they put that there, but decides against it.

Moving through demon insides does nothing for Dante and acid barely fazes him. Players everywhere jump at the chance to beat up the heart with their newly acquired demon forms and try to beat the mission with a SS ranking. When they finish and gain that fabled rank, the hunter is spit out and ends up in the path of the lady with no name.

No name decides she hates the supposed demon after knowing him for a grand total of not even five minutes. Pulling out her smallest gun, she shoots the hunter in the head. Writer and all fans gasp at the sight it was a shocker. Of course since Dante is epic he doesn't die and instead exchanges banter naming no name, Lady is born. This writer thinks it is better than her real name.

Dreaming of Lady the hunter continues onwards, obviously having naughty thoughts, but this game is only M. Everyone is disappointed at that. Running into the underground like area of the odd tower he has to beat, he finds another guardian.

The writer is scared about what follows. Being a jerk of course the hunter hits on the Nevan the succubus. Apparently he has a kink for being eaten while having wild hot sex. One of the hardest boss battles of the game ensues here, bringing this writer to tears and many players to smash their heads against the wall. After finally beating the bitch and having healed Dante countless times after the kiss of death, the hunter is awarded the stupidest weapon in any game.

Somehow the hunter is amazing at the guitar and plays a few rifts for the invisible crowds. The writer wonders what Dante can't do. After putting away Nevan, he steps out and somehow knows what is going on somewhere else. If someone gets this, this would be the time to speak up.

Arkham who has appeared numerous times and just isn't good enough for space on this appears. Vergil listens to him and then stabs him. Writer gasps in shock before throwing a party. Dante's out of body experience ends and he ends up running up towers, hitting on lady and doing unspeakable stupid things he ends up finding his next boss. Writer isn't sure why Beowulf is even in this. A moderately easy boss battle ensues and Dante gets nothing!

The world goes and protests in front of Capcom's buildings around the world as the idiot hunter starts to hurt himself. After running like a crazy man we move on in the tower, still going up. He comes to a bridge in the middle of the tower! Writer and players are in shock and are hit with the ghostly carriage Geryon. After regaining senses a moderately hard boss battles ensues in slow motion and the beast is defeated on the ground.

Somehow beating a ghost gives Dante the power to slow down time. Writer is trying to wrap head around the logic still. He continues though just finding it cool and moving on. After beating chess, brother clashes with brother again. More fan fiction is born from this moment and writer wonders why. There is banter (What a big surprise) and Vergil is defeated. Players everywhere rejoice in the ass kicking and wonder why the hair is still slicked back!

The demon gate is almost opened and there is a plot twist. Crowds of players gasp in surprise at the arrival of Lady. Lady is key and she bleeds. Bad things happen. Three go on mission to get to real evil dude Jester/Arkham.

Countless missions go on and players are left to wonder if Dante knows he is being watched. He meets up with none other than Lady. Instead of wild hot sex, which disappoint fans everywhere including this writer, they fight. Very annoying and mildly easy boss battle ensues Dante wins and gains conscience.

He does his favorite thing, running up this VERY LARGE TOWER. After going at this for a few hours writer thinks that he would be tired of it. Beating countless puzzles and the never ending onslaught of demons he finds… HIIMSELF NAKED! Would have fangams if it wasn't too dark to see. Surprisingly hard boss battle ensues and Dante merges with his other self. Writer wonders briefly if he gets off on it fans make him narcissist anyway.

Times puzzles and HELL CHESS slow the hunter down, but he pulls through and finds Arkham. Arkham turns into ugly blob. This writer fears for her sanity in that moment. Surprisingly easy boss battles ensues and is stopped. Vergil joins. Brothers kick ass and do their job.

Writer and players are putting down their controllers only to find the last mission and all hell breaks loose. After destroying buildings in the anger, the insanely hard boss battle ensues. Writer dies many times, but prevails with quick button work and no skill. Dante and Vergil fight for final time. (Yay!) And our favorite hunter wins. Pissed off and a giant baby, Vergil goes and acts like an idiot for the umpteenth time and jumps off a cliff and di-…survives to only die later.

Dante somehow gets out of hell and tower in record time and meets with Lady. Rain and tears while more demons attack. Lady pokes fun at Dante and game ends… Writer not sure what to think when it is revealed that players gets Vergil. Imagines hearing thousands of fan girls screaming at the top of their lungs and runs away forever….

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_**End. xD; May do more.**_


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